The Hardest Decision of My Life Was Becoming a Murderer

--WARNING: Triggering but extremly IMPORTANT--

5 years ago this photo was taken of me as part of a project I started and many wonderful people participated in. We were suppose to write words on our bodies that people have called us and then we washed them off to show how words from others won't define us. My main word I picked was MURDERER. I have been called this word a few times directly and many times any time someone discusses abortions. I chose this word as my main word 5 years ago because out of all of the things I have been called this both hit me the hardest and angered me the most. People do not understand what making that choice is like, people do not bother to understand. People assume it's easy for those who chose it, that they don't live with it forever, that they didn't have crushing reasons to choose it. Nobody wants to be in that situation ever and only a truly strong person could ever actually make that decision. It took me many years to figure that out but ladies you aren't weak or horrible you are strong and amazing for making one of the hardest if not THE hardest decisions anyone could ever make and for still being here today to tell about it and feel about it. Most humans couldn't handle that, so know you are strong. I share this with you today because I see a lot of extra hate and miseducation and confusion about abortions and reproductive rights etc lately. I see a lot of blind hate being thrown around. It's fine if we disagree it's fine if you don't believe abortion is ok. I understand I truly do. However I ask you to stop making assumptions about women who have them or people who support them. You do not know their situation and trust me you do not know what you would actually do if you were in that same situation. I used to be completely pro life then one day I got pregnant and was in one of the worst situations and relationships of my life. I don't owe it to you all to explain the details of that relationship or why I made my choice but I will share with you that I know for a fact I wouldn't be alive today if I hadn't made that impossible choice. And I live with it every day, I question the what ifs. I've gone through stages of grief and sorrow and anger and regret and acceptance and everything between. I share this because I'm done being silent. I share this because I'm done seeing people assume. I share this because nobody who hasn't had to make that choice can actually know fully about it or the process or in my opinion therefore can't truly have a fully educated opinion on this topic I beg of you to listen to those who have, not to change your beliefs but so maybe you can stop condemning them without knowing them or their stories. I have been scared to share this story for 7 years now, but it's time to speak up. I didn't make this choice for myself, I thought at first I did, I'd gladly give up my life for anyone I love but I did it for that child, you probably won't understand that and I can't blame you for that, I barely understand it myself but please trust me when I say neither of us would have survived that life. Every year we celebrate "her" bday and joey unofficially adopted "her" "she" is a part of my life forever but more than that "she" changed my life forever by opening my eyes to this issue. I hate I went through it but I believe I did so I could educate others and speak up about it, it's time I did my duty and that starts now! I'm sure you have questions and I'm happy to answer them as long as we can keep this dialog respectful and open minded on both our ends.

A New Year's Open Letter

Dear people,
It's a new year and that's awesome. That means new potentials, resolutions that will be successes and many that will be left  behind tomorrow. I think that it is great that we like to see a new year as a fresh start but, BUT I beg of you a few small things:

 -do NOT forget 2016 and all the years before, all the good and the bad, the pain and the smiles, the things that angered and drove you to want 2017 to come asap do not forget that, but instead hang on to it and use it to make 2017 better
 -do NOT blind yourself to all you became aware of last year just because a new year has arrived. Stay aware, become more aware, educate yourself and others.
 -DO practice more patience and kindness and acceptance. Move past acceptance and learn to just be and love others.
 -do NOT expect 2017 to magically be better than 2016, you and I have to MAKE it better and that's starts with each of us every single day.

 I challenge you:
-to become colorblind
-to use less gender specific terms
-make less assumptions
-support your kids no matter which toy they want or color they want to wear
-don't judge someone by the dirty clothes they have on at Walmart that day or the way they didn't give their kid the candy bar they wanted at the check outline
-don't hop on every angry bandwagon that others roll by your doorstep
-be more educated about the world, your world, our world than you were last year
-stand up for someone when you see someone else judging them
-be a constant act of kindness and don't always share it on social media
-make sure people around you know you love them exactly as they are and are there for them when they don't love themselves for exactly who they are
-when you say hey how are you expect a real response and try to always give a real reply not just the general "I'm good, you?"
 -smile more
-cry when you need to cry
-ask for help when you need help
-judge less
 -care more
-make change
 -fight with kindness and love not with hate and violence

 WE are the only ones who can make 2017 what we wanted, what we needed it to so badly be after 2016. Only YOU can start NOW!

 Happy New Year World! Let's make it all it can be but never forget 2016!
 ♡